Have you ever loved so immensely, so completely that you thought that that man was the one for you? Have you ever felt so strongly for a man which you have felt never before? Has it ever happened to you that whom you thought was the right guy, was the complete opposite? Well, it happened to me as I was in love with a narcissist and was left completely broken from inside after I broke up with him.
After the initial shock of being in a relationship with a narcissist worn down on me, I was in a complete state of despair and sadness. Sadness engulfed my body in waves and happiness was something which I only saw in movies or read in books. Memories kept bothering me and the emotions which they brought along made me fall down in depths of despair.
I wanted to go back to my normal self so desperately but I just couldn’t. I kept thinking if I could go back to the real me if I was capable of coming out of this mess and love again. I had almost given up on loving anyone lest me. God knows that I had lost all hope and was in complete agony.
I wasn’t like this. I was a very cheerful and happy woman always looking out for more, adventurous and ready to take on anything and everything in life. I had a lot of dreams and ambitions which I wanted to fulfil and succeed in life. I smiled a lot and was always looking for new things in life.
Dating a Narcissist Changed me completely
After I broke up with him, I wasn’t the person I was before. I had changed completely and he had left me feeling damaged and toxic. I was afraid to come out of the bed and the laughter I used to feel was transformed into anxiety.
I was ashamed of loving such a toxic person, I was ashamed that he changed me, I was ashamed of the negative and suffering person that I became and above all, I was ashamed that I let him do all these things to me and that I didn’t stand up to him.
I trusted him completely
I trusted him all my heart and he made me trust him. He convinced me that he is the one for me and that he will be there for me in everything I did. He made me trust that I could count on him and that he has got my back. He kept of making fake promises and I kept on believing them like a fool. All those promises were completely false and they never came true, because they were not meant to me. He just said those words to keep me trapped in his trap and undermine me.
I felt Safe with him
Although this may seem laughable, initially during our relationship, I felt safe with him. I felt if I called him at any time of the day, he would come running for my rescue. He made me feel that way so that I would let my guard down and he could use me for his own narcissist reasons. Once my guard was down, I never saw his attack coming and it hit me like an avalanche.
I love him hopelessly
My biggest mistake was to love him so utterly that it became so difficult for me to come out of this relationship. I loved a man with all my heart who had no idea what love is. He never loved me back, but he convinced me that he can be taught to love even after his history of broken relationships. Like a fool, I believed that I would be the one who could change him. But I never knew that a narcissist cannot be taught to love because it is not there in their system. Whatever one does, they cannot love anyone except themselves.
He made me hostage of my own love and care
I have always believed in love and I loved him with all my heart, mind and soul. I stayed with him all this time because I believed that it was for love. I believed that I had found my soul mate in him, but he wasn’t my soul mate.
He was someone who used my love against me and got the very best of me. He was someone who undermined me in every way possible and embarrassed me with my flaws. He would criticize me and then would blame me for all his misery. He was someone who fed on my sadness and felt good about himself for it. And the worst thing is that I let him do it because I was in love with him and completely naïve. I was easily convinced with his sweet talk and romanticized my suffering and pain. I made myself believe all the fake promises but I was stupid just falling for a narcissist.
I found myself once again
I found myself even after all the misery, gloom and despair I went through. I worked hard on myself and came out of this phase with a very important lesson, learned the hard way.
I may have been down in the dumps for a while, But I wasn’t going to waste my complete life over a man who was toxic in himself. If I do that I am letting him win and I won’t let that happen at any cost.
I picked myself up and started collecting the ripped pieces of my heart and my life one by one. I mended each and every patch and became confident again. I held my head high and told myself, what he did to me was nothing. It only made me stronger from inside. He walked over me again and again and I showed him the door out of my life for one and for all.